The closer I become to God, I begin to ask myself the questions that I am sure is on every gay man or woman's mind. Am I going to hell for something I cannot change? The thought in itself is dreadful. As I have grown, I have not only come to terms with my sexuality, but seek inner peace, and not just inner peace, but everlasting peace. Every time I get deep into thought with this topic, I find myself frustrated and confused to no end. Bravely, I started to do research. Research from both sides of our world. The religions that are against homosexuality and the religions that are not. My research still has been inconclusive. I can tell myself, "If I just believe in him, and accept him into my heart, then I’m good", but as I delve deep into religion for more understanding, I see that is not enough. Naturally, I am quite the deep thinker. I do not think inside of the box, instead I take many topics of interest to a whole new level of understanding. How can one not be open minded? Anyways, getting to the point. I want a relationship with God, very much so. But I also know that I cannot change who I am, nor do I want to, because it IS who I am. And I am 100% sure that homosexuality is NOT a choice, as I've known to a degree since very early in childhood. Upon researching the bible and its meanings, and messages from preachers on various websites, clearly I could see that the subject is black and white. Let's start with this all mighty verse: "If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination." (Leviticus 20:13). Wow. That verse in itself is enough to make a gay man of faith's heart stop. All hope is lost. This exact verse, has had many, many homosexual men and woman of faith, lead lives as "heterosexuals" just to gain the access into thy mighty kingdom of heaven. Or even more so, acceptance in general. Some of these "homo heteros" state that growing up in structured religious families; they would struggle with those feelings towards the same sex and were brave enough to be open about them to their parents, yet were forced to undergo countless therapy sessions and "extra church bible studies" to correct this "evil" that lies within. They would go on to have families of their own, become regular church attendees, some even pastors. They claim these "Sessions" and extra time with God have cured them of all homosexual desire. Family, and friends rejoice; that they can live happily, free from the sin. And most importantly, accepted into those pearly gates. But there is a problem here. These men and women that have been cured, actually haven't been. They have only suppressed it. Living a lie just to please those who love them, to please their "God" who is supposed to be our savior. And what greater sin, than to be unfaithful? Some of these people battle the suppression and give in. Infidelity begins, the spouse feels unloved because the man cannot please her in the way she desires. But the worst case scenario? The suppression becomes so bad that the Pastor begins a series of molestation to soothe his needs. (I apologize the graphic nature of this, but this is what a lot of research has concluded) There has also been many people who didn't even make it to start a family, because the intense emotions these therapies had on them lead them to suicide. Upon reading countless articles on this subject, I found myself becoming very depressed and hopeless. I have come out myself. I have witnessed suppression to an extreme, broken a marriage to a heterosexual because the guilt ate me alive. And this was because Religion and Society refuses a human being to be who they were meant to be. But, researching further, I started to see that maybe there is hope. This brings me to yet another popular verse: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16) Ahh. Relief. Hope. This to me, is a message that stands out far more than one of abomination. I rejoiced at the fact that I have an opportunity to have a relationship with God without sacrificing who I am, than lead a path to darkness. I have a long ways to go on my journey to my everlasting peace. So much to learn. Sink in. But a positive always cancels a negative. Is the bible, just a man made book? Is there more to spiritual faith than just God? My curiosity grows stronger, as I refuse to give up faith to be who I am, and the latter. That being said, I must continue my research on the topic. And the topic of Religion in general. I invite you, my friends, and my family to join me on this quest as I find a way to bridge my homosexuality with deep faith in God.Or some form of peaceful spirituality. My goal, in finding inner peace, is to also teach the world the importance of equality, love and a deep faith. I truly believe with all my heart and soul, that this is God’s intentions. And with God, there is no black nor white, but many shades of gray.
